If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's Friday and I'm ready to swing. Pick up my girls and hit the party scene. — Aaliyah Copy Share Image
When he is without money, his wife becomes secretary; When he has money, his secretary becomes wife. Man O Man! — Irfan Khan Copy Share Image
Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
“Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head-slam you through the wall." -Dev” — Sherrilyn Kenyon Copy Share Image
It's funny: I don't get to play characters where I wear what I want to wear. With 'Mad Men,' if Janie Bryant… — Ben Feldman Copy Share Image
You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who… — Rush Limbaugh Copy Share Image
Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to… — Lyndon B. Johnson Copy Share Image
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?' — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I put on a sticky note the word SWAG I stuck it on my light switch so every time I get up… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Where's Quinn?' "He went around the other side." Connor replied. Stealth mode." A war whoop and a mocking laugh belied that comment.… — Alyxandra Harvey Copy Share Image
I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny,… — Ted Alexandro Copy Share Image
“He shook his head at himself as he walked out into the night. For guys, life was nothing but one big pissing… — Tami Hoag Copy Share Image
