Funny Quotes · Page 165

Will I allow my fear to bind me to mediocrity?

— Andy Stanley

What you earn depends on what you learn.

— William J. Clinton

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

— Rodney Dangerfield

... but food eaten quickly isn't food.

— Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

“Hark, how hard he fetches breath.”

— William Shakespeare

Theres so much to becoming a woman.

— Michael Rosenbaum

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

— Reggie Evans

I will maintain it before the whole world.

— Moliere

“I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.”

— Karl Kristian Flores

Justified" is even better than "just as if I'd never sinned." It is also "just as if I'd always obeyed.

— Jerry Bridges

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

— Bill Cosby

Explanation changes whatever is explained into something explainable.

— Wendell Berry

Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there.

— Mordecai Richler

Just remember that when nobody was there for you, I was. And when nobody else gave a damn, I did.

— Anonymous

I auditioned for the leading role in 'The Kissing Booth' that came out on Netflix, funny enough.

— Noah Centineo

“Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.
”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Is your blouse Azzedine Alaia?' 'No, you could say it's VERY authentic vintage.' Lachlain didn't care what it was; she'd never wear…

— Kresley Cole

After my first novel, my mother said to me, 'Why don't you make your writing more funny? You're so funny in person.'…

— Jonathan Ames

Don't be racist! Be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican...

— Master

“Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?' and I said, 'Yes, when I am rich…

— Emily of New Moon

“My cousin fell in love with a dom, so I checked into it to see if I needed to kill him before…

— Cherise Sinclair

I'm starting to think that the gym isn't really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to…

— Anonymous

Once you grow up in a routine life, you start looking for funny moments from daily life. I don't know where did…

— Kiku Sharda

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front…

— Steven Wright

Mocking people in a voice they don't even have

— Anonymous

Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.

— Eugene Ormandy

Now, I simply do what I want.

— George McGovern

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

— Anonymous

The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it

— Charles Bukowski

Let's make some funny pictures.

— Tex Avery

If we know how to pray, we know how to live.

— E. Stanley Jones

... by indirections find directions out.

— William Shakespeare

Govern wisely, and as little as possible

— Sam Houston

Hire prudently, go slow and don’t go overboard.

— Lori Greiner

Without inspiration, we would perish.

— Walt Disney

Sorry my parrot learned your sex noises.

— Anonymous

Be excellent and party on dudes.

— Abraham Lincoln

I don't think anything lives up to what you envisioned.

— Amber Benson

The smile of God is the goal of your life.

— Rick Warren

We can look, but we'd better not touch.

— Steven Tyler