I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in.… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not.… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
