Children Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

“If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.”

— Jarod Kintz

“The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the…

— Jarod Kintz

“The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they…

— Jarod Kintz

“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when…

— Jarod Kintz

“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up…

— Jarod Kintz

“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of…

— Jarod Kintz

“In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me,…

— Jarod Kintz

“The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn…

— Jarod Kintz

“When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7…

— Jarod Kintz

“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand…

— Jarod Kintz

“No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m 30, and his daughter is 18. He said I was too old for her. So I asked him if I was…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have…

— Jarod Kintz

“People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies,…

— Jarod Kintz

“A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call…

— Jarod Kintz

“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have…

— Jarod Kintz

“Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Your love is my candy, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to give it away to strange children.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?”

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.…

— Jarod Kintz

“I wouldn’t want to work in a nursery, because I can’t deal with children. Or bees. Can I offer you some tea,…

— Jarod Kintz

“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact,…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at…

— Jarod Kintz

“I want to buy designer sunglasses and change my name to The Lunar Child III. It would make me a better lover,…

— Jarod Kintz

“In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might…

— Jarod Kintz

“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents…

— Jarod Kintz

“If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks, then what do I do it…

— Jarod Kintz

“Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It…

— Jarod Kintz