Think of what would happen to us in America if there were…

Think of what would happen to us... if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record.

— Thomas Lansing Masson

The Congressional Record will forever show that [Obamacare] was passed in a romper room of overgrown children seemingly barely old enough to keep from…

— Matt Taibbi

My congressional record speaks for itself, and my ability to build coalitions locally, nationally and across the aisles in Congress is transparent.

— Danny K. Davis

“Choose your words carefully. The only place you can take back what you said is the Congressional Record.”

— Ron Brackin

A foreigner coming here and reading the Congressional Record would say that the President of the United States was elected solely for the purpose…

— Will Rogers

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

— Garrison Keillor

I've always been leery of comical artists because I think oftentimes they're hiding the fact that they're not that talented. For example, with Martin…

— Diego Cortez

I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a laugh. I…

— Nick Offerman

Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.

— Mark Twain

Humorists always sit at the children's table.

— Woody Allen

We should make the poor uncomfortable and kick them out of poverty.

— Benjamin Franklin

Humor is really one of the hardest things to define, very hard. And it's very ambiguous. You have it or you don't. You can't…

— Heinrich Böll

Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion

— Mark Twain

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for…

— Mark Twain

The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint.

— W. Somerset Maugham