If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or…

Many individuals spend a considerable portion of their lifetimes in terror of one imagined catastrophe or another. The classic is that your immortal soul…

— L. Neil Smith

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.

— Carl Barron

Since Jesus was human then he most assuredly farted and burped. And if God did create us in God's image then God must fart…

— Sherman Alexie

“I'll meet you outside," I said. No way was I actually doing to shout 'I have to pee' at the top of my lungs.”

— Stella Lennon

“I wanted to stop peeing but couldn't, of course. Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop…

— John Green

“Stop it. If you say sorry one more time I'm gonna go find something of yours and pee on it, I swear.”

— Alice Clayton

“He thinks about it for a moment. "All right. I'll go firts" He takes a deep breath. Do you know what a bidet is?…

— Jamie Ponti

A fart is a wish your butt make.

— Nikhil Saluja

“What the hell do you know? You don’t understand what Hollywood wants. I need to be skinny.” “Okay. Okay. How about a salad?” “No!…

— Elise Sax

I'm never going to write fart jokes, because I feel like I have a responsibility to the audience to give them good stuff. I…

— Dan Schneider

Get out of bed to pee or stay in bed where I'm comfortable? Just another one of life's many tough decisions..

— Anonymous

There are more microbes per person than the entire population of the world. Imagine that. Per person. This means that if the time scale…

— Alan Bennett

You stand out like a fart in a church.

— James Patterson

Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful little idiosyncrasies. She used to fart in her…

— Good Will Hunting

“...as jumpy as a fart in a skillet.”

— Smith Henderson