She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small…

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

— Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not…

— Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an…

— Chelsea Handler

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn…

— Chelsea Handler

“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.”

— Chelsea Handler

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just…

— Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

— Chelsea Handler

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed…

— Chelsea Handler

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have…

— Chelsea Handler

“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity…

— Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is…

— Chelsea Handler

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the…

— Chelsea Handler

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and…

— Chelsea Handler

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run…

— Chelsea Handler

“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border…

— Chelsea Handler