Phyllis Diller

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

— Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

— Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

— Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

— Phyllis Diller

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

— Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

— Phyllis Diller

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

— Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

— Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

— Phyllis Diller

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off…

— Phyllis Diller

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel.…

— Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I…

— Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this?…

— Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every…

— Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they…

— Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on…

— Phyllis Diller

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

— Phyllis Diller

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

— Phyllis Diller

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring…

— Phyllis Diller

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in…

— Phyllis Diller

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so…

— Phyllis Diller