Dane Cook

You can't teach an old hater new truths.

— Dane Cook

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

— Dane Cook

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

— Dane Cook

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

— Dane Cook

I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that.

— Dane Cook

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

— Dane Cook

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

— Dane Cook

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

— Dane Cook

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

— Dane Cook

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

— Dane Cook

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

— Dane Cook

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

— Dane Cook

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the…

— Dane Cook

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

— Dane Cook

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

— Dane Cook

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

— Dane Cook

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be…

— Dane Cook

It's easy to point the finger at someone else & place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone & start…

— Dane Cook

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more…

— Dane Cook

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew…

— Dane Cook

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If…

— Dane Cook

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick…

— Dane Cook

As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And…

— Dane Cook

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little…

— Dane Cook

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on…

— Dane Cook

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have…

— Dane Cook

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's…

— Dane Cook

Onstage, it's all just a heightened and more elaborate version of me. When you're standing onstage, your adrenaline is going, your enthusiasm…

— Dane Cook

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was…

— Dane Cook

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

— Dane Cook

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

— Dane Cook

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

— Dane Cook

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

— Dane Cook

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

— Dane Cook

A suicide note written by somebody who is not suicidal is an autobiography.

— Dane Cook

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

— Dane Cook

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

— Dane Cook

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

— Dane Cook

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

— Dane Cook

Its an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesnt know you exist.

— Dane Cook