You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are. — Dane Cook Copy Share
Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey. — Dane Cook Copy Share
My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The… — Dane Cook Copy Share
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and… — Dane Cook Copy Share
If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or… — Dane Cook Copy Share
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma. — Dane Cook Copy Share
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever. — Dane Cook Copy Share
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. — Dane Cook Copy Share
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. — Dane Cook Copy Share
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one… — Dane Cook Copy Share
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire. — Dane Cook Copy Share
