Dane Cook

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

— Dane Cook

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

— Dane Cook

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

— Dane Cook

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

— Dane Cook

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

— Dane Cook

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

— Dane Cook

My leftovers are delicious. Just ask the ex girlfriends new boyfriend.

— Dane Cook

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

— Dane Cook

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance.…

— Dane Cook

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

— Dane Cook

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the…

— Dane Cook

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I…

— Dane Cook

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

— Dane Cook

I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind…

— Dane Cook

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

— Dane Cook

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for…

— Dane Cook

There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed…

— Dane Cook

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake…

— Dane Cook

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or…

— Dane Cook

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was…

— Dane Cook

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other…

— Dane Cook

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would…

— Dane Cook

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say,…

— Dane Cook

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just…

— Dane Cook

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

— Dane Cook

Let's just turn off the lights and play a game called whos In My Mouth?

— Dane Cook

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

— Dane Cook

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them…

— Dane Cook

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

— Dane Cook

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are…

— Dane Cook

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

— Dane Cook

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

— Dane Cook

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely…

— Dane Cook

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

— Dane Cook

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

— Dane Cook

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi…

— Dane Cook

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on…

— Dane Cook

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the…

— Dane Cook

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically…

— Dane Cook

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would…

— Dane Cook