Bill Bailey

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

— Bill Bailey

Contentment is knowing you're right

— Bill Bailey

People are obsessed by how I look.

— Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

— Bill Bailey

But being in 'Doctor Who' is a dream come true. I've been a fan since I can remember watching TV.

— Bill Bailey

I was an only child but I never longed for a sibling. It just didn't occur to me.

— Bill Bailey

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

— Bill Bailey

If you really push yourself you can perhaps achieve something you didn't think you could.

— Bill Bailey

I've always been reasonably upbeat about most things.

— Bill Bailey

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

— Bill Bailey

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

— Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

— Bill Bailey

I discovered I'm 60 per cent Viking. Well, more Danish, I suppose. I'm also two-and-a-half per cent Neanderthal.

— Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

— Bill Bailey

I grew up in a little town between Bath and Bristol with my parents and grandparents in the same house. It was…

— Bill Bailey

At school, I was bored with the teachers, and there were moments where I felt they were singling me out.

— Bill Bailey

Family helps you make clearer choices about things. Your priorities become clearer. Your obligations become clearer, and that is something I welcome.

— Bill Bailey

As a young man, the temptation was to drink the minibar dry. I did all that - now I prefer to get…

— Bill Bailey

Fatherhood made everything more straightforward. I was relieved that no longer did I have to agonise over what meaning I had in…

— Bill Bailey

People perceive me as this kind of hippy intellectual, reflecting and communing with nature or in a pyramid somewhere chanting. Really, no.…

— Bill Bailey

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was…

— Bill Bailey

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought…

— Bill Bailey

I think happiness really happens when you least expect it: it's when you're not really thinking about it, when you're not trying…

— Bill Bailey

I'm one for new things: I like new technology, I like new music, I'm not entrenched in some view of what culture…

— Bill Bailey

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say…

— Bill Bailey

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually…

— Bill Bailey

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer…

— Bill Bailey

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

— Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!

— Bill Bailey

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

— Bill Bailey

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

— Bill Bailey

The devil's in the detail and sometimes if you're thinking too big, you can miss the detail.

— Bill Bailey

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

— Bill Bailey

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

— Bill Bailey

Paddle boarding: it's the closest you get to walking on water.

— Bill Bailey

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

— Bill Bailey

The two worst enemies of comedy are lack of sleep and not having had a decent meal.

— Bill Bailey

When the sun shines in Britain there's no finer place on Earth.

— Bill Bailey

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still

— Bill Bailey

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

— Bill Bailey