Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
Applause is a constant thing in AA. It's how we buy drinks for each other. — Augusten Burroughs Applause Copy Share Image
your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone. — Augusten Burroughs Community Copy Share Image
I think writers tend to be experience junkies, and I think they also tend to want to be on the outside looking… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“George had been surprised by my ability to leave him. He had not seen that in me.” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
Love is a helium-based emotion; Love always takes the high road. — Augusten Burroughs Emotion Copy Share Image
“He was furious that the music house wanted forty grand. He wanted us to "Jew them down” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
Real optimism is not the pep talk you give yourself. It is earned through the labor involved in emotional housekeeping. — Augusten Burroughs Emotional Copy Share Image
“As far as I'm concerned, baldness is the male breast cancer, only much worse because almost everyone gets it. True, it's not… — Augusten Burroughs Baldness Copy Share Image
“Turn off the light," she says as she walks away, creating a small woosh that smells sweet and chemical. It makes me… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
We were young. We were bored. And the old electroshock therapy machine was just under the stairs in a box next to… — Augusten Burroughs Bored Copy Share Image
Do not wait for the healing to arrive. It will never come. The holes will never leave or be filled with anything… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“A body in motion tends to stay in motion. (reebok,chiat/day.)Just do it. (Nike, Weiden and Kennedy.)Dammit something just isn't right. (Me, to… — Augusten Burroughs Motion Copy Share Image
So we can be filled with holes and loss and wide expanses of unhealed geography - and we can also be excited… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with… — Augusten Burroughs Flaws Copy Share Image
Even painfully shy and awkward people are not painfully shy or awkward when they are alone. The way to access this natural,… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“His toes wriggle in his socks and my first thought is, I want to snip them off with hedge trimmers. Not only… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I think that the Internet is our most profound and beautiful achievement. It is magnificent. We have the Internet as a layer… — Augusten Burroughs Achievement Copy Share Image
Freshly brainwashed from rehab, I carry the bottle into the bathroom. I hold it up to the light. See the pretty bottle?… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
As I sat in the hot, salty water, I thought, 'No wonder Mr. Bubble always gives me a urinary tract infection and… — Augusten Burroughs Brother Copy Share Image
Think of the actual physical elements that compose our bodies: we are 98 percent hydrogen and oxygen and carbon. That's table sugar.… — Augusten Burroughs Body Copy Share Image
Time moves only forward, never back. We look forward to a moment and then it arrives and an instant later it is… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
The past does not haunt us. We haunt the past. We allow our minds to focus in that direction. We open memories… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
And of course, the answer came to me in the same way Jesus comes to those who drink in trailers: as an… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“I wish I had a tray table in my bedroom and I wish I smoked, just so I could extinguish my smoking… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“No wonder I had found that woman so offensive. Sometimes things feel that bad. Sometimes you just feel like shit.” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“We're all going to die eventually so why not have some fun.” — Augusten Burroughs Death Copy Share Image
“You know, American alcoholics are pretty fucking hard to insult.” — Augusten Burroughs Alcoholics Copy Share Image
I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also… — Augusten Burroughs Compassion Copy Share Image
Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
Our lives are one endless stretch of misery punctuated by processed fast foods and the occasional crisis or amusing curiosity. — Augusten Burroughs Amusing Copy Share Image
“He likes things that make sense, and this word explains everything he knows about me. It makes perfect sense. Unless you don't… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“But I think I would have been happier if the only thing that came out of his mouth was the sound of… — Augusten Burroughs Happier Copy Share Image
The problem with not having anybody to tell you what to do, I understood, is that there was nobody to tell you… — Augusten Burroughs Problem Copy Share Image
I came to think that maybe God was what you believed in because you needed to feel you weren’t alone. Maybe God… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“I would borrow the microphone and stuff it down the front of my pants, examining myself from every angle in the mirror” — Augusten Burroughs Mirror Copy Share Image
“I slipped on a turtleneck, laughing when my head became stuck in the turtle part. If they weren't called turtlenecks, I wouldn't… — Augusten Burroughs Childhood Copy Share Image
“Think of the actual physical elements that compose our bodies: we are 98 percent hydrogen and oxygen and carbon. That’s table sugar.… — Augusten Burroughs Elements Copy Share Image
“Although my parents never attended church or mentioned Jesus except when they screamed at each other—and then they used his full name,… — Augusten Burroughs Catholic Copy Share Image
