Joke Quotes · Page 29

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

— Norm MacDonald

Me and fellow scouser Toni Duggan are a double act. We are always pre-planning some sort of practical joke.

— Nikita Parris

Every joke can't be dazzling. And if you think you spotted an inconsistency, you did!

— George Meyer

I've literally had dreams of that moment since I was a kid, no joke, about stepping in for my first at-bat.

— Eddy Alvarez

My preference is for people who can do sketch comedy or situational comedy, where it's not a joke, but it's telling a…

— Carol Burnett

My favorite Aggie joke? I'm sorry I don't understand the question

— Lyle Lovett

I don't spend much on myself. It's a bit of a joke within the family.

— Chris de Burgh

I always make a joke: 'Don't look into the future; it's too bright.' That's as positive as I can be.

— Mike Colter

My daughters won't let me retire. Many times I joke at home that this will be my last year, and they tell…

— Willy Caballero

I'm very comfortable in my skin. Everyone has insecurities - I joke around about wishing I had more cheeks - but I'm…

— Leah LaBelle

“I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows’…

— Initially NO

There was cake in the fridge and a note saying do not eat me! I ate the cake and left a new…

— Anonymous

“back, showed me the missing battery. "Dude, estoy aqui por loco, no por pendejo," which was the punchline to the funniest Spanish…

— Anonymous

“…she did not believe that the world was a vale of tears but rather a joke that God had played and that…

— Isabel Allende

There's so much being said about Donald Trump already, all the time, and the more you joke about him, the more you…

— Paul F. Tompkins

I often joke that I straddle psychosis and neurosis, and that being an artist keeps me in the middle, so I can…

— Sam Taylor-Wood

My Auntie CeCe - I can kind of joke and say all I need to do is pray. But that's literally what…

— Deborah Joy Winans

The Giants beating the undefeated Patriots, that's all a joke. The star of a reality show is going to run the country.…

— Bill Burr

I realized that I get pleasure when I'm told, 'Don't listen to the haters; they're losers in their moms' basements.' I imagine…

— Julie Plec

“Now Vegas, while you were asleep your classmates and I were discussing time manipulation. What are your thoughts on the subject?” “Well,”…

— Charlie Fey

In general, the straight line of a joke sets up a premise, an expectation. Then the funny ending - the punch line…

— Steve Allen

I worked at a hot dog place, a bagel place, the Jersey Store and the hottest fashion joint around. I was getting…

— Wale

“You put what?” “Itching powder I took from Gabe’s prank box! It was just supposed to be a stupid joke. A payback…

— Natasha Madison

There's definitely some parallels between me and Joaquin Phoenix, I think. The line gets so blurry. My rap career wasn't a hoax,…

— Steve-O

“Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Hilta laughed like someone who had thought hard about Life and had seen the joke.”

— Terry Pratchett

I know I'm funny. I know how to perform. I know how to hit a joke.

— Janelle James

That awkward moment when you don't understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke ._.

— Anonymous

There is nothing - nothing - like writing a great joke and having that joke kill onstage.

— Judy Gold

I'm not here to joke around or waste time. I want to put my city and country on the map, and I…

— Timothy Weah

“. . . I still wouldn't be able to control myself around him, and I'm math geek enough to know that equation doesn't work out.”

— Robin Brande

I couldn't tell a story if my life depended on it. I'm the world's worst joke-teller.

— David Shields

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, 'Dang, she looks good for her age!'

— Dolly Parton

“She never laughs or smiles or tells a joke. She reminds me of a robot caked in meat.”

— Matthew Quick

The Awkward moment when teacher expects you to laugh at her stupid joke.

— Anonymous

“The relations of a joker to his joke should be as quick and desultory as those of a bee to its flowers.”

— William Somerset Maugham

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

— Steven Wright

Maybe the universe is a giant practical joke and we don't know the punchline.

— John Lloyd

Can a serious party put up an individual perceived previously or continuously as a joke candidate? I say yes.

— Vermin Supreme

I'm a prankster, so some of the - you know, I like a good joke. I think when it's funny, it's funny.

— Sean Spicer