My friend said he didn't have time for Twitter like me, he has a job I replied shut the fuck up &… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The only reason women need men around the house is because we haven't made a vibrator that can kill spiders. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
When a waitress brings the food, old men look at the food while young men look at the waitress. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When you have a bunch of cash in your wallet, you'll buy anything. But the last 10$ can last an entire week.. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice. — Miley McCormick Copy Share Image
My boyfriend isn't allowed to watch E.T, why the fuck does he wanna watch his ex girlfriend find her way home. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There will always be people out there that will bitch behind your back & judge you and your life. For some people… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear Facebook mobile, Please update your app and fix all the glitches. Your app has more issues than my last relationship. Sincerely,… — Brian Zilinek Copy Share Image
CELL PHONE VOLUME UP LAYING RIGHT BY YOUR PHONE STILL CHECKING TO SEE IF SOMEBODY TEXT OR CALLED... — Renneec Copy Share Image
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If ants were the size of humans, they would be able to run twice as fast as a Lamborghini. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Best friends = They know how weird you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.. — Sachithra Copy Share Image
My wife and I are trying to have a child. But it's so hard to take one out of Chuck E Cheese… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you don't have an iPhone I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 Emojis & you can't see none. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
At least my job description doesn't involve repairing the economy or being the new head football coach at Penn State. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
LOVE, A word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
She ask me would I ever hit her...yea ill hit cha wit dis LOOOOOOOOOOOONGàDIIIIIIIIIIIICKàªlol¬8==========D — IG:caonte_2_funny Copy Share Image
My mom thinks WTF means wow that's fantastic...Today I texted her: Mom I got an A on my English test...my Mom said:… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Facebook must be the site for millionaires, because two cents seem to fall from everywhere. — Adar Burks Copy Share Image
Broken hearts, love's deceit, pieces fall down to my feet. Broken promises, love's a lie, puddles form from the tears I cry. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Before someone gets their drivers liscence they should have to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart without falling off. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when someone spells your name wrong on Facebook even though your name is RIGHT THERE! — Ryah Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Heather Mills. Now that she's divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Oh, youre popular on facebook? Thats cool. I mean, these days its easy to have 1,500 friends that youve never met before. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
They always say so many people die of Alcohol. Perhaps they never realized many of them were born beacuse of Alcohol!.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate when a shower only has 2 options. 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica. — Xuan Ta Copy Share Image
Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV; RTV and play nothing but music videos. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Bitches be trying act like they single & happy...u single cause ya last name is LEE...UGG-LEE & LONG-LEE — IG:caonte_2_funny Copy Share Image
I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
That annoying moment when you just want to listen to music but someone wants to constantly speak to you, making you pause… — Emanuel Sebastiao Copy Share Image
I hate when people think my tweets be about them like bitch , aint nobody thinking about you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I saw a man fall off his bike this morning. he looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when your friends and family are singing happy birthday and you are just standing there smiling … — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why am I the weird one for browsing through your pictures? You're the one who uploaded over a thousand pictures of yourself. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ramps have been employed to look in the bins along the marathon route in London for suspicious packages. They will be paid… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
