The only reason women need men around the house is because we haven't made a vibrator that can kill spiders. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
When a waitress brings the food, old men look at the food while young men look at the waitress. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive...take her to the gas station. — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
Congratulations on buying a car that will go 0-60 in 5 seconds whether you want it to or not. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'd be more upset about the NSA accessing my phone records if I used my phone for anything but texting and taking… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
They say let's go half on a baby, but I'm like fuck that let's go half on these condoms... — Lonniedagreat Copy Share Image
A beautiful girl is always hated by the other girls around her for two reasons, jealousy and attraction of the boys towards… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I have watched CSI,NCIS, Law&Order, Criminal minds. I can kill you 50 different ways & still make it look like an accident. — JORdinary_[Ws Copy Share Image
Boys, Women are easy. Tell them they're pretty. Compliment some shit. Fuck them like you hate them. Easy. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: 'Thanks for coming.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Boy: My Father's name is LAUGHING and my Mother's name is SMILING. Teacher: You must be Kidding? Boy: No, that's my brother.… — Asheya Copy Share Image
Call of Duty: MW3 comes out midnight tonight. I wonder how many relationships are going to end this week. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Women who complain are like yellow traffic lights. Nobody really pays attention to them. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
13 year olds having sex and getting drunk? When I was 13 I was injecting heroin and had committed my 4th murder, Pussies. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? . . . . . . . . . In a casino, you really mean it! xD — Boom Copy Share Image
That Awkward moment when yur writting something and accidentally yew 4get the spelling so start act like yur in Babe class ABCDE… — Junior Dè Rèál Testament Copy Share Image
2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I'm sober. Sober people, when I'm drunk. — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
CHILD ME: wow when I'm a teenager I'm gonna go out with my friends at the mall and party and date hot… — Kezza Purdue Copy Share Image
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Physics would have been much easier if... Tree had fallen on newton's head instead of the apple — LyLe Copy Share Image
They say treat people the way you like to be treated. I say retweet people the way they retweet you!. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It's so unfair when people yell in other languages and its like I don't wtf your saying, if yur gonna bitch at… — Syoung Copy Share Image
The next person who says, Its not the heat, its the humidity will learn that its not my fist, but the impact. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Sometimes I'm just a sorry away from you. You can simply apologize and hold paitence meanwhile it gets me some time to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Why the FUCK are girls still virgins?! We only got 2 months to live.. They better throw that ass back! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Women are like plug sockets. You have to stick something into all three holes before they work. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Just went on Facebook and saw a status saying 'like if your in the virgin crew xxx' I think I've lost hope… — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
You never realize how inappropriate your music is until your parents are in the car with you. — James Copy Share Image
OBAMA may be the king of the ballot box after his election win over Mitt Romney on the night. But here are… — Unkown Copy Share Image
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... A friend of mine was wearing one yesterday when he got stabbed by the woman's husband. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I just killed a spider and there's blood everywhere because the spider was on my wife's face. I'm a murderer, guys. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My best friend told me about a great 80's porn site. I fucking hope he meant the 1980's. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Just when you think your life is bad, just remember some where some fat kid lost his Twinkie.. that was the last… — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
I feel like Tony the Tiger whenever I see breasts because They're more than good, They're great!!! — Prince Shawn Copy Share Image
If I received a dollar for every facebook post that was posted in a month I would be richer than Bill Gates. — Damian Coleman Copy Share Image
