Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It is most often not our strengths, our courage or our successes that bring two human hearts together, but it is often… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
She avoids deep thought like an empty restaurant, not out of stupidity, but a canny resolve to be happy. — Alex Shakar Copy Share Image
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Up to now, America has not been a good milieu for the rise of a mass movement. What starts out here as… — Eric Hoffer Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Healthy breaks can hit the reset button in your brain, restoring some of the glucose and other metabolic nutrients used up with… — Daniel Levitin Copy Share Image
I have many deep thoughts in God, but I take my own measure, lest I perish by boasting... For I myself, though… — Ignatius of Antioch Copy Share Image
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At our most elemental, we are not a chemical reaction, but an energetic charge. Human beings and all living things are a… — Lynne McTaggart Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In the desert you become a discoverer. You discover your soul, which had been submerged in vain pursuits, which had been lost… — Ameen Rihani Copy Share Image
The chief distinction in the intellectual powers of the two sexes is shown by mans attaining to a higher eminence, in whatever… — Charles Darwin Copy Share Image
I was already into deep, because when I thought of you, of your voice, your hypnotic eyes, I wanted nothing more than… — Twilight Ryaj Ablando Catayas Copy Share Image
“I love you, just a little, as little as a single drop of water that contains the entire essence of the ocean.” — Malak El Halabi Copy Share Image
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
We are the gods of the atoms that make up ourselves but we are also the atoms of the gods that make… — Manly Hall Copy Share Image
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Are you learning to say things after listening to God, or are you saying things and trying to make God's word fit… — Oswald Chambers Copy Share Image
There was always the next therapy appointment, next surgery, next college exam, but with time and deep thought, those evolved into life… — Kyle Carpenter Copy Share Image
“His (Grant's) face has three expressions: deep thought, extreme determination, and great simplicity and calmness.” — Amanda Foreman Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As you breath right now, another person takes their last. So Stop Complaining, and Learn to Live your Life with what you… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Every time you quit, someone else gets your prize. Every time you make a mistake, you get closer to yours. — Robert Kiyosaki Copy Share Image
The realms of the gods and demons - heaven, purgatory, hell - are of the substance of dreams. Myth, in this view,… — Joseph Campbell Copy Share Image
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
