If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“When a writer has deep thoughts, I expect him to also have a deep voice. And if he doesn’t, he should remain… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people. — Pete Wentz Copy Share Image
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Focusing on one's own purpose is a matter of considering what you want to do, why you want to do it, and… — John Baldoni Copy Share Image
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“I'll just quote myself for now; actually, I'll quote what a good friend of mine, David Jenkins responded to a post I… — David Jenkins Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Prayer doesn’t work. Perhaps it makes the believer feel better (in the same way that meditation or deep thought would), but prayer… — David G. McAfee Copy Share Image
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“The Googleplex Star Thinker is a super-computer from the Seventh Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity and has the ability to calculate the… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
The Answer to the Great Question... Of Life, the Universe and Everything... Is... Forty-two,' said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Nothing is more seductive for a man than his freedom of conscience, but nothing is a greater cause of suffering. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“On a date, you shared your deep thoughts with each other, but not that deep. We were eating sandwiches, for God's sake.” — Jennifer Echols Copy Share Image
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Selling to people who actually want to hear from you is more effective than interrupting strangers who don't. — Seth Godin Copy Share Image
Some of the best people with whom you can have a relationship are the people who challenge your thinking. — T. D. Jakes Copy Share Image
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Up to now, America has not been a good milieu for the rise of a mass movement. What starts out here as… — Eric Hoffer Copy Share Image
I was already into deep, because when I thought of you, of your voice, your hypnotic eyes, I wanted nothing more than… — Twilight Ryaj Ablando Catayas Copy Share Image
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“I love you, just a little, as little as a single drop of water that contains the entire essence of the ocean.” — Malak El Halabi Copy Share Image
It is most often not our strengths, our courage or our successes that bring two human hearts together, but it is often… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
She avoids deep thought like an empty restaurant, not out of stupidity, but a canny resolve to be happy. — Alex Shakar Copy Share Image
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After a lifetime of deep thought, I've decided that life is a distraction, but probably not from anything important. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“while the modern, human animal is capable of deep thought and, like its mammalian forebears, can nurture and play, it also is… — Edwin H Friedman Copy Share Image
