I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think we all mistake certain things for happiness. I think we mistake comfort for happiness and we mistake pleasure for happiness,… — Simon Pegg Copy Share Image
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Freedom can never be taken for granted. Each generation must safeguard it and extend it. Your parents and elders sacrificed much so… — Nelson Mandela Copy Share Image
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
By our attitude, we decide to read, or not to read. By our attitude, we decide to try or give up. By… — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There needs to be understanding that anger never helps to solve a problem. It destroys our peace of mind and blinds our… — Dalai Lama Copy Share Image
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The things you have that money won't buy are the things that will enable you to get more of the things that… — Zig Ziglar Copy Share Image
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I was young I would ask everybody what life was about. Now it's clear to me that the image of each… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist. — Quentin Tarantino Copy Share Image
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Anytime destruction of another is needed in order to advance one's own aims or goals, then the goals need to be reevaluated. — David White Copy Share Image
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Not all thinking and all emotion are of the ego. They turn into ego only when you identify with them and they… — Eckhart Tolle Copy Share Image
Deep thoughts (come) from a deep well. Society is useful because when we see ourselves reflected through others we can gain a… — David Jenkins Copy Share Image
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud… — Leo Burnett Copy Share Image
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
