Funny Christmas Quotes

53 quotes by 49 authors

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the… — Dave Barry
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. — Erma Bombeck
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. — Victor Borge
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. — George Carlin
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson
Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. — Gary Allan
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. — Andy Borowitz
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. — Andy Borowitz
My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to… — Dave Barry
The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that… — John Leo
There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? — Conan O'Brien
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday. — Andy Borowitz
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go… — Louis C. K.
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list,… — Anthony Jeselnik
I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus,… — Marc Maron
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my… — Demetri Martin
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear
All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey,… — Rich Vos
Last Christmas someone stole my present. I've spent this year living in the past. — Terry Alderton
Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. — Douglas Coupland

Who Wrote These Funny Christmas Quotes

49 authors contributed a total of 53 Funny Christmas Quotes, led by these top contributors: