Christmas Quotes

1693 Christmas quotes by 1089 unique authors

She's a warm fart at Christmas. — Jethro Tull
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. — Milton Berle
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. — Milton Berle
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. — Milton Berle
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in… — Milton Berle
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included. — Milton Berle
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. — Milton Berle
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. — Milton Berle
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. — Milton Berle
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. — Milton Berle
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. — Milton Berle
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. — Milton Berle
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm. — Milton Berle
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. — Milton Berle
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a… — Milton Berle
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do… — Milton Berle
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. — Milton Berle
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. — Milton Berle
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. — Milton Berle
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. — Milton Berle
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums.… — Milton Berle
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? — Milton Berle

Who Wrote These Christmas Quotes

1,089 authors contributed a total of 1,693 Christmas Quotes, led by these top contributors: