P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

585 quotes in 6178 categories

• Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
• Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and…
• Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
• The neo-hippie-dips, the sentimentality-crazed iguana anthropomorphizers, the Chicken Littles, the three-bong-hit William Blakes- thank God these people don't actually go outdoors much, or the environment…
• There is only one basic human right: the right to do as you please, without causing others harm. With it comes our only basic human…
• A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.
• Violence is interesting. This is a great obstacle to world peace and also to more thoughtful television programming.
• Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on…
• Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.
• Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.
• Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the…
• You can smoke or drink on a golf course without interrupting the game, and you can take a leak - something you can't do on…
• The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar chin,…
• You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
• Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
• Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce…
• For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of…
• It is easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities…
• With Epcot Center, the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse…
• Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money.

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