If you have a friend with a blond mustache, he wants to touch you. — Pete Holmes Friendship Copy Share Image
I disagree with the idea that everything happens for a reason. — Pete Holmes Disagree Copy Share Image
I call myself 'Christ-leaning,' but that's primarily psychological. — Pete Holmes Call Copy Share Image
When somebody comes across as authentic and genuine and sweet, people just want to spend time with that person. — Pete Holmes Authentic Copy Share Image
When I got divorced, the first people I called were Nick Kroll and John Mulaney and T. J. Miller - all the… — Pete Holmes First Copy Share Image
I was raised evangelical, so if you want to get offended, let's get offended. I have a master's degree in being offended. — Pete Holmes Being Copy Share Image
I think it can be easy at a certain point to take it for granted that you can kind of perform whatever… — Pete Holmes Easy Copy Share Image
My mom wanted me to be a youth pastor, and when I became a comedian, she said it was close enough. — Pete Holmes Comedian Copy Share Image
When you slide into television, no one tells you exactly how manage expectations and work with your staff. — Pete Holmes Expectations Copy Share Image
I think 'everything sucks' is too often leaned upon as a comedic stance. It's a really easy and pretty weak perspective. — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
I'm the weirdo that tells - asks - the Uber driver to please turn the radio down. I'm so polite about it,… — Pete Holmes About Copy Share Image
Traffic: Sit there. Sit. Occasionally move your foot from the brake and crawl forward, then put it back. That's all you do… — Pete Holmes Back Copy Share Image
I think a good comedian was probably bullied a little bit. Probably felt doughy and oblong and rhombus-shaped and strange and a… — Pete Holmes Bullied Copy Share Image
Be persistent and just keep going to open mics no matter what, even if just to watch and not perform. You'll find… — Pete Holmes Heads up Copy Share Image
I'm super happy to say that it's not that hard to write bad stand-up. I guess the trick is to write bad… — Pete Holmes Bad Copy Share Image
When my wife left me, in real life, T. J. Miller was like, 'I'm shooting a movie in Pittsburgh. I'll fly you… — Pete Holmes Fly Copy Share Image
Ideally, a good pastor wants to empower a congregation to the point where they don't need him. You want everyone to leave… — Pete Holmes Better Copy Share Image
We'd all like to increase pleasure and minimize pain, but the truth is, suffering, even collective suffering that we're going through, is… — Pete Holmes Change Copy Share Image
If I go out and do a set, there's a good chance that I'll watch another comedian. I'll think - not necessarily… — Pete Holmes Belief Copy Share Image
I have never been political, which for a straight white man that's kind of a byproduct of privilege growing up that I… — Pete Holmes Agree Copy Share Image
A stand-up act is almost like a pool. You know what I mean? It's like a pool, and you're always skimming little… — Pete Holmes Body Copy Share Image
I think there's something so funny about Ram Dass. I was lucky enough to sit across from him at dinner once, and… — Pete Holmes Comedian Copy Share Image
Every human being can relate to wanting their thoughts and their feelings to be accepted and rewarded and validated. So in that… — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
One of my obsessions in life is that we have the tools to manufacture moments and real things, but it's overwhelming and… — Pete Holmes Being positive Copy Share Image
I look at my faith like a room, and there was all of this furniture in there, but I had inherited most… — Pete Holmes Faith Copy Share Image
I think what people respond to is someone being who they actually are. — Pete Holmes Actually Copy Share Image
Losing your faith is an essential part of having a three-dimensional, vivid, vibrant faith. — Pete Holmes Faith Copy Share Image
I always wanted to do something about what it's like to get divorced, especially when it's a young marriage to start with. — Pete Holmes Divorced Copy Share Image
As soon as I heard the term 'comedy nerd,' I'd hoped there was a lot of them. — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
Comedians really are like a species. That's not to be exclusive. Anyone can kind of become one. You have to pay your… — Pete Holmes Become Copy Share Image
People like Bill Burr and Jim Gaffigan and Zach Galifianakis and Sarah Silverman - they were all amazing and helpful to me. — Pete Holmes Amazing Copy Share Image
If I open a Batman book, and he doesn't look right, I can't do it. It has so much to do with… — Pete Holmes Art Copy Share Image
