I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. — Mitch Hedberg Dreams Copy Share Image
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. — Mitch Hedberg Code Copy Share Image
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg Frisbee Copy Share Image
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the… — Mitch Hedberg Bugs Copy Share Image
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -… — Mitch Hedberg Cold Copy Share Image
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but… — Mitch Hedberg Angling Copy Share Image
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At… — Mitch Hedberg Candle Copy Share Image
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. — Mitch Hedberg Birthday Copy Share Image
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. — Mitch Hedberg Dumpsters Copy Share Image
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now… — Mitch Hedberg Decision Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. — Mitch Hedberg Blackjack Copy Share Image
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. — Mitch Hedberg Baseball Copy Share Image
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. — Mitch Hedberg Depressing Copy Share Image
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
