I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes. — Mitch Hedberg Gatorade Copy Share Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to… — Mitch Hedberg Body Copy Share Image
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried… — Mitch Hedberg Fitness Copy Share Image
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see… — Mitch Hedberg Cameras Copy Share Image
A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can… — Mitch Hedberg Comedian Copy Share Image
Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me,… — Mitch Hedberg Friends Copy Share Image
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me… — Mitch Hedberg Angry Copy Share Image
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either… — Mitch Hedberg Bread Copy Share Image
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've… — Mitch Hedberg Comedian Copy Share Image
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.… — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Criminals Copy Share Image
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation.” — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants… — Mitch Hedberg Cell phone Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the… — Mitch Hedberg Friendship Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,… — Mitch Hedberg Burritos Copy Share Image
