I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but… — Mitch Hedberg Carefree Copy Share Image
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,… — Mitch Hedberg Apples Copy Share Image
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like… — Mitch Hedberg Fashion Copy Share Image
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey… — Mitch Hedberg Accidents Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely'… — Mitch Hedberg Fathers Copy Share Image
I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . .… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want… — Mitch Hedberg Fish Copy Share Image
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how… — Mitch Hedberg Bad decision Copy Share Image
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an… — Mitch Hedberg Alcohol Copy Share Image
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many.… — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I… — Mitch Hedberg Addiction Copy Share Image
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps… — Mitch Hedberg Friendship Copy Share Image
I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't… — Mitch Hedberg Bread Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if… — Mitch Hedberg Apples Copy Share Image
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.… — Mitch Hedberg Business Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's… — Mitch Hedberg Flower Copy Share Image
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
