Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! — Mitch Hedberg Comedian Copy Share Image
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. — Mitch Hedberg Bird Copy Share Image
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. — Mitch Hedberg Actresses Copy Share Image
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. — Mitch Hedberg Alcohol Copy Share Image
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep,… — Mitch Hedberg Djs Copy Share Image
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there.… — Mitch Hedberg Hero Copy Share Image
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and… — Mitch Hedberg Action Copy Share Image
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up,… — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I… — Mitch Hedberg Anger Copy Share Image
I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of… — Mitch Hedberg Dad Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Crafts Copy Share Image
I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky... — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". — Mitch Hedberg Eating Copy Share Image
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. — Mitch Hedberg Accident Copy Share Image
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. — Mitch Hedberg Ice Copy Share Image
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. — Mitch Hedberg Books Copy Share Image
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!" — Mitch Hedberg Finding yourself Copy Share Image
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
