What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. — Mitch Hedberg Drinking Copy Share Image
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg Being real Copy Share Image
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? — Mitch Hedberg Hippopotamus Copy Share Image
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and… — Mitch Hedberg Animal Copy Share Image
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Cold Copy Share Image
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting… — Mitch Hedberg Acting Copy Share Image
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but… — Mitch Hedberg Beavers Copy Share Image
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a… — Mitch Hedberg Audience Copy Share Image
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender… all you do is say what the… — Mitch Hedberg Appliance Copy Share Image
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg Advertising Copy Share Image
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... — Mitch Hedberg Golf Copy Share Image
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg Cart Copy Share Image
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. — Mitch Hedberg Food Copy Share Image
