I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. — Mitch Hedberg Blackjack Copy Share Image
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. — Mitch Hedberg Alcoholics Copy Share Image
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus." — Mitch Hedberg Circus Copy Share Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. — Mitch Hedberg Candy bar Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work,… — Mitch Hedberg Funny Copy Share Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at… — Mitch Hedberg Being yourself Copy Share Image
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is… — Mitch Hedberg Attention Copy Share Image
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by… — Mitch Hedberg Army Copy Share Image
I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with… — Mitch Hedberg Audience Copy Share Image
I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to… — Mitch Hedberg Adults Copy Share Image
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. — Mitch Hedberg Clinical depression Copy Share Image
