Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun. — Mitch Hedberg Dimples Copy Share Image
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. — Mitch Hedberg Bullshit Copy Share Image
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg Cart Copy Share Image
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.” — Mitch Hedberg Escalator Copy Share Image
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? — Mitch Hedberg Apes Copy Share Image
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless… — Mitch Hedberg Chaos Copy Share Image
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you… — Mitch Hedberg Cds Copy Share Image
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time… — Mitch Hedberg Friendship Copy Share Image
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they… — Mitch Hedberg Comedy Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of… — Mitch Hedberg Leadership Copy Share Image
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
