All Milton Berle Quotes
- They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. Another Computer
- A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in… Accident
- My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. Add
- He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license. Bad
- I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! Curve
- I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. Funny
- In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. Disagree
- I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods! Earth
- Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. Drink
- This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of… Afraid
- It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. Contents
- Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. Allow
- At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around. Eighty
- Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? Assessment
- Laughter is the best medicine in the world. Best
- I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome. Age
- All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. All
- I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. Day
- My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. Box
- My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. Envelope
- My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the… Card
- On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. Day
- She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. Day
- The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. Another Piece
- Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. Day