All Ambrose Bierce Quotes
- Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.… Animal
- Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to… Age
- Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Christ
- Conversation: A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe… Arrangement
- Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. All
- Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. Bystanders
- Lawyer – One skilled in the circumvention of the law. Circumvention
- Twice – Once too often. Funny
- Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. Black
- Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. Admirably
- Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Democracy
- As a means of dispensing formulated ignorance our boasted public school system is not without merit; it spreads out education sufficiently thin to give everyone… Been
- MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility… Activity
- Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas. Among
- Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any… Any
- Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two… Clarinet
- NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. Denies
- Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. Belief
- Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting Affair
- LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure. Charm
- San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen Francisco
- Good-bye -- if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a… Age
- God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past. Alone
- I was born to poor because of honest parents. Born
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Bad