All Ambrose Bierce Quotes
- Philanthropist, n.: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. Bald
- RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect. Activity
- TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. Consumer
- Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. Affair
- Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. Better
- Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries. Boundaries
- NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the… Acceptable
- MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York. Chief
- PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense… Any
- One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. Advantage
- MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. Gateway
- HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes,… Austerity
- HEART, n. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments . . . . It is now known that… Action
- Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery. Adolescence
- The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of… Character
- CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo… Adj Relating
- POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of… Agitation
- Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Anniversaries
- ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability,… Allegiance
- DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. Dependent
- ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as… Animal
- BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man… Apparatus
- Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be… Abnormal
- REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of… American
- Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office. Diligently