Wine Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“If I share your bottle of beer, I’ll take the left side.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.”

— Jarod Kintz

“If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?”

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you…

— Jarod Kintz

“When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the…

— Jarod Kintz

“She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for…

— Jarod Kintz

“Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can…

— Jarod Kintz

“Wheelchairs won’t kill you. And cigarettes won’t paralyze you. Stick a wheelchair in your mouth and smoke it.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging…

— Jarod Kintz

“I unwind with wine—or a few counter clockwise turns.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”

— Jarod Kintz

“What do you call a schooner in a wine glass? Port.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.”

— Jarod Kintz

“There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.”

— Jarod Kintz

“To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already…

— Jarod Kintz

“Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Wine enhances your beauty by making others look at you differently. Well, so long as they are the ones drinking it. If…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to hear the interaction between…

— Jarod Kintz

“If I typed out positive words, printed them out, blended them together with fruit and ice, and spoke all those words into…

— Jarod Kintz

“Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor.…

— Jarod Kintz

“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.”

— Jarod Kintz

“The state of North Carolina, Daisy, and John Wayne walked into a bar, and I shouted, “Duke!” and the bartender threw me…

— Jarod Kintz

“This is for the sneeze I lost. I won’t drink to your memory, but I will snort some pepper to see your…

— Jarod Kintz

“I decide to order wine, despite the fact that I don’t like it. But just because I don’t enjoy it is no…

— Jarod Kintz

“You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need…

— Jarod Kintz

“Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased…

— Jarod Kintz