There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
Infants need the most sleep, and, what is more, get it. Stunning them with a soft, padded hammer is the best way… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
If you are one of the hewers of wood and drawers of small weekly paychecks, your letters will have to contain some… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
What is to be done with people who can't read a Sunday paper without messing it all up?... Show me a Sunday… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The way to go to the circus, however, is with someone who has seen perhaps one theatrical performance before in his life… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
It must be a source of great chagrin to those in charge to think of so many people being able to stick… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn’t make any sense… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
I have often wondered how they manage to get return envelopes which miss, by one-quarter of an inch, fitting the blank you are supposed… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
My first big mistake was made when, in a moment of weakness, I consented to learn the game; for a man who can frankly… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
But ice-crunching and loud gum-chewing, together with drumming on tables, and whistling the same tune 70 times in succession, because they indicate an indifference… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life whichdoes not include… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in the new… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who do not.” — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
