Twitter Quotes by Nikhil Saluja · Page 23

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

— Nikhil Saluja

Oh, you're an actor??? Why don't you act like a waiter and get me another beer.

— Nikhil Saluja

She wanted to sign up as an organ donor, but all she had was a guitar.

— Nikhil Saluja

How about this, you remove Funny/Model from your bio and let me be the judge of that.

— Nikhil Saluja

You know you've drank too much when you actually ask your wife to drive you home.

— Nikhil Saluja

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

— Nikhil Saluja

Women are like coconuts. Sometimes you have to hit them really fucking hard before they will spread open.

— Nikhil Saluja

I usually try not to sound like an idiot but it's really hard because I am an idiot.

— Nikhil Saluja

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. Rehab is for quitters.

— Nikhil Saluja

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

— Nikhil Saluja

Someone just stopped me to say that he recognized me from twitter and now I'm writing my suicide note.

— Nikhil Saluja

Disclaimer : Twitter is purely entertainment...it's not to be taken seriously.

— Nikhil Saluja

If she's retweeted you twice in one day, she's pictured what your kids would look like.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'd have more funnier tweets if I was surrounded with more idiots.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I said What did I do this time? I really meant What did you catch me doing?

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies don't ask for much. They just want shoes, diamonds, less work, free money & a perfect man.

— Nikhil Saluja

A girl calling another girl a slut is like a retweet but in real life, because you just gave her a shitload…

— Nikhil Saluja

Wait, are you telling me 'professional tweeter' can't go in my CV? Well this was a waste of time.

— Nikhil Saluja

If a woman has her tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarette watch out. She's having a terrible day.

— Nikhil Saluja

The blonde was always careful to remove her watch before putting on bug spray because she didn't want it to kill the…

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, The alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;

— Nikhil Saluja

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

They said dress for the job you want not the job you have, so I dressed like Mr India and didn't show…

— Nikhil Saluja

You know you're on your period when everyone around you has an attitude problem.

— Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, FAITHFUL, That man who is married to a trusting wife (a definition that can be either truthful or cynical)

— Nikhil Saluja

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

— Nikhil Saluja

I Followed you, I starred you, I retweeted you, I DM'ed you, I lost you, I blocked you, I never wanna see…

— Nikhil Saluja

For those who woke up in a Fussy mood this morning do me a favor, punch your spouse in their fucking face.

— Nikhil Saluja

As the auto mechanic said to the Scoutmaster whose car horn was broken, Beep repaired.

— Nikhil Saluja

Technology: Pee on the iPhone 5, it turns pink if you're pregnant.

— Nikhil Saluja

He had occasional flashes of silence, that made his conversation perfectly delightful.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best -- and pay…

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check twitter from somewhere else.

— Nikhil Saluja

Cocks are a lot like ovens. You would rather a woman was operating it but sometimes you have to use it yourself.

— Nikhil Saluja

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

— Nikhil Saluja

God gave us the miracle of life - sustaining water, & we turned it into Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi & Vodka. Good job, Morons.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;

— Nikhil Saluja

You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.

— Nikhil Saluja

I think that a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending…

— Nikhil Saluja