You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.' — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.' — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a)… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
