Sarcastic Quotes · Page 23

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.

— Charles Kingsley

Condoms are like women...most of the time they're pretty annoying, but you need them to get laid.

— Anonymous

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back...So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

— Anonymous

Congratulations on your job at the bank! Yes. You work for the bank. After taxes, your largest expense is your mortgage and…

— Robert Kiyosaki

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to…

— George Carlin

“Educational system in America is not as good as in China. You may be an idiot. It is hard to tell with…

— Kate Danley

Walmart usually uses 4 checkouts, unless it's really busy then they use 1.

— Anonymous

Ill be a millionaire once Im done making this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet!

— Humaira

When I first started writing, I was living in England and I had that uniquely English sense of sarcasm, which has definitely…

— Jane Green

Advertisers in general bear a large part of the responsibility for the deep feelings of inadequacy that drive women to psychiatrists, pills,…

— Marya Mannes

Chick flick is not a term used to praise a movie. Nobody says 'it's a great chick flick.' It's a way of…

— Callie Khouri

Have a nice life ahh who am I kidding, I hope you get hit by a moving truck.

— Anonymous

The same passions in man and woman nonetheless differ in tempo; hence man and woman do not cease misunderstanding one another.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Silly duck bitches, why don't you try sticking your boobs out instead of your lips...at least your boobs don't look as stupid…

— Nicole Hill

Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.

— Tony Kornheiser

Sarcasm: Because screaming at you about how dumb you are and taking a brick and smacking you across the face with it,…

— Anonymous

Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

— Cal Thomas

Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother?s.

— Andrei Codrescu

This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.

— Lorrie Moore

The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.

— Zero Mostel

I get uncomfortable when pretty people say I'm pretty because I feel like they're being sarcastic...

— Anonymous

Marriage is meant to be more about your surrender than about your satisfaction.

— Scott Means

“[It may seem like we're always eating, but that's because we're always eating.]”

— Laura Steven

I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.

— Mae West

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

— Mark Twain

If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder�it would be an apocalypse!

— Anonymous

My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is…

— Tim Heidecker

I'm good at being sarcastic with guys. They don't want the quiet, prissy little things.

— Jessica Alba

The last thing I want my robot to be is sarcastic. I want them to be pragmatic and reliable - just like…

— Sebastian Thrun

I try not to be one particular type of comedian - I try to be foolish, and silly, and surreal, and quite…

— Sean Lock

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?…

— George Carlin

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his.

— Ambrose Bierce

When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.

— Josh Billings

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.

— Irvin S. Cobb

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

— Mae West

“He's being sarcastic. I hate when people are sarcastic. It's so cheap.”

— Jenny Han

“You’re sarcastic twelve hours a day, but you’re almost never spiteful. You have a good heart under all the glitter.”

— Cassandra Clare

What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

— Anonymous

I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

— Anonymous

You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.

— Mike Birbiglia