Republican Candidates Quotes by Andy Borowitz

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

— Andy Borowitz

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

— Andy Borowitz

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

— Andy Borowitz

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

— Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

— Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

— Andy Borowitz

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a…

— Andy Borowitz

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

— Andy Borowitz

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

— Andy Borowitz

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

— Andy Borowitz

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

— Andy Borowitz

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a)…

— Andy Borowitz

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

— Andy Borowitz

“Think about it... The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. No wonder they don't believe in evolution.”

— Andy Borowitz

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

— Andy Borowitz