“Oh, boy. Now you see what you've done, Monica Lewinsky, you stupid, stupid tart, I thought. Because of you, I have to explain to my Nana, while she's in a hospital bed with an enlarged gallbladder, what oral sex is.… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“It was the gift that every girl dreams of, to be dead long enough for your parents to realize how meaningless their lives were without you, how they were suddenly and at once deeply sorrowed at all of the horrible injustices they caused you, how they had truly never appreciated your natural gifts of beauty and grace, being that their… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share
“Sure, I'd like to lose some weight, but a tapeworm is the last way I'd like to do it, except becoming a prisoner of… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“As a result of that experience, I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so every woman… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“The lesson here is that a giant cupcake tattoo is typically an indication of two things: (1) Sister go her hands on some crystal meth, and (2) Sister smoked that crystal meth and kept smoking it until she had been awake for seven days and then stumbled into a tattoo parlor with a really bad idea that she had quickly… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share
My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“Goddamnit I've never been the "pretty friend..." She's the one who wears the perfect eyeliner, it never gathers like a crowd in her tear… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor. — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“I just might kill someone in my next job, and I'll be honest here, I couldn't do the time. Really. No way. I couldn't share a room with four other people, let alone poop in front of them. I hate sharing a room and a bathroom with my husband, and I even have eminent domain over him. Prison would never… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share
“Dr. Bone Specialist came in, made me stand up and hobble across the room, checked my reflexes, and then made me lie down on the table. He bent my right knee this way and that, up and down, all the way out to the side and in. Then he did the same with my left leg. He ordered X rays… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share
“Asininity was puddling all around me in quantities too vast to soak up. - It Looked Different on the Model” — Laurie Notaro Copy Share
