Masturbation Quotes · Page 5

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

— George Carlin

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.

— Jane Wagner

[On masturbation:] I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught.

— Joycelyn Elders

The piano bar is the gateway to the halls of masturbation.

— Henry Miller

I have a T-shirt that says, Plays Well With Self. It suits me (or at least the top half).

— Rock Cowles

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

— Woody Allen

“I hung a picture of him above my bed and learned by hand the internal workings of the female combustion engine.”

— Shannon Celebi

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

— Lily Tomlin

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman…

— Gilbert Gottfried

“Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?” I snorted and grinned. “Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last…

— Missy Welsh

It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name for it... should it become a habit it…

— Robert Baden-Powell

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing…

— Bob Saget

“It was like his daily masturbation - possibly wrong, possibly juvenile and borderline deviant, but something he required to keep from going…

— T. Baggins

“baptizing all containers with an orifice that appeals to their cock is the trivial pursuit of little boys" (23) (rbt: every "boy"…

— Tony Duvert

We all have our individual romantic or idealistic ideas. To get information that masturbation is our basic form of sex is hard,…

— Betty Dodson

“Just like real sex, the touching was good, but there came a point in time when a woman needed to be filled…

— Lacey Alexander

We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people. The same way we have learned to ignore the…

— Dan Savage

“Whether you studied sexology or not, nobody will teach you how to screw, nobody will point to your vagina and say, hey…

— Michael Bassey Johnson

Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the…

— Jen Kirkman

Removed from its more restrictive sense, masturbation has become an expression for everything that has proved, for lack of human contact, to…

— Gunter Grass

I also believe in cigarettes, cholesterol, alcohol, carbon monoxide, masturbation, the Arts Council, nuclear weapons, the Daily Telegraph, and not properly labeling…

— Dennis Potter

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.

— Matt Groening

Disco boy, no one understands, but thank the lord you still got hands.

— Frank Zappa

Sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines.

— Frank Zappa

“Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you'll go blind.”

— Seanan McGuire

I even made love to myself once. Uhh, I wasn't suppose to tell you that.

— Gary B.B. Coleman

I think the internet is the greatest waste of time since masturbation was discovered.

— Norman Mailer

“When it comes to sex: some men treat women as objects; some women treat objects as men.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Procrasination is like masturbation. In the end you are just screwing yourself

— Anonymous

The act of writing itself is done in secret, like masturbation.

— Stephen King

Wrap the turkey up in aluminum foil, my brother like to masturbate with baby oil.

— Adam Sandler

“Masturbation is when you rub your genitals until you have an orgasm. Wow!”

— Stephen Chbosky

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.

— Karl Kraus

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.

— Truman Capote

The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.

— Sigmund Freud

“Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.”

— Abhijit Naskar

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

— Robert Clark

It’s disgusting. On trains, the number of those people doing that strange masturbation-like gesture is multiplying.

— Hayao Miyazaki

When you turn out the light, I've got to hand it to me. Looks like it's you and me again tonight Rosie.

— Jackson Browne

“Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating.”

— Abhijit Naskar