“I took the one letter he had for us. It was from the Switchblade Gas & Electric Company. I didn't know I had admirers there too, but I wasn't that surprised. I threw it in the trash with the IRS's… — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“It suddenly occurred to me that, after all that frolicking in the meadows, he hadn't kissed me. Was it because of the mold that… — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“Allow me," said the elf, proffering Gimlet's beard to Frito, who was now sneezing uncontrollably.” — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“As soon as we were inside, Edwart's family rushed to greet me. What seemed like thirty people circled me, chattering away. "Oh my god,… — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“I want to leave all my friends and the sunlight for a small, rainy town.” — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“So all this time you thought I was a vampire? ' Edwart whispered furiously, pulling me a few inches to the left. 'Sure,' I… — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“Nice piano," I said. "Do you play?" "oh no, but Edwart does!" Eva Mullen said. "A little," Edwart said sheepishly. "Go ahead, play!" Eva said. She picked up the triangle that was lying on the piano and handed it to Edwart. He started banging on it. It sounded like construction work very early in the morning. "Whoops. I messed up.… — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share
“Quick, I told myself. Try to remember what you learned from Jimbo's Self Defence for Young Ladies. Jimbo was a beefy man with prison tats. "Go into the nearest dark alley," I recalled Jimbo saying. "Freeze like a rabbit or the creature you desire your attacker to mistake you for. If your attacker shouts out to you, respond politely -… — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share
“Elf-dog," hissed Gimlet, retrieving his beard. "Pig of a dwarf," suggested Legolam. "Toymaker." "Gold-digger.” — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“Listen' he whispered ferociously, like a ferocious breeze or a very gentle hurricane.” — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“I balked. Another vampire? I guess it made sense; the states of the Pacific Northwest were known for their lenient monster laws.” — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire.” — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
“How about we walk back? Through the cemetery ?' One thing my mom had taught me is that it's difficult to refuse requests made… — The Harvard Lampoon Copy Share Image
