The world is split into two halves: the bacon, and the bacon eaters. — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself.… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
I'm opposed to a lot of the time that we as a civilization have come to spend looking at screens. For my… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
Men and women alike, if you think that altering the tip of your nose with surgery will make you happier, I would… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
No matter how you decide to spend a little more time on your gestures of giving, the point is just quite simply… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
Just stand up for your principals and be loyal to your friends and family. — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
I worked a lot in Chicago's theater scene as a fight choreographer. And so I do have a lot of experience in stage combat… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
I think that laziness in many ways is the human condition, and that's what has led us to this place where, as we've developed… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a laugh. I… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
“Of course, my fundamentals may not work for everyone. A beautiful aspect of the human race is our endless variety. Like maple leaves and… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
“Whatever the adversity, if a man is on hand to provide ease to a lady’s cause, I think he’s a shitheel if he stands… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus on their first day. — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
I've learned through experience that to trouble celebrities with my handshake doesn't do anybody any good. — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
I think that purity creates not only a higher level of artistic vision but a purer work ethic. — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
Auditioning for television shows - to find a guy who has a lot of experience as a laborer is a bit of an anomaly.… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois - I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
A lot of people find themselves in the entertainment business - or perhaps society steers them toward it - because they're beautiful. — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
You know, even working actors can end up having a lot of spare time. And you can either go sit at the Starbucks and… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
