Old People At Weddings Always Poke Me And Say 'YOU'RE NEXT' So, I Started Joking, Doing The Same Thing To Them At… — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
I just wanted to be in show biz. I wanted to make music and sing and dance, tell jokes and stories, make… — David Lee Roth Copy Share Image
Life seemed to be an educator's practical joke in which you spent the first half learning and the second half learning that… — Russell Baker Copy Share Image
I always wore cowboy boots and drove a truck, and talked like this. So everywhere I would go in comedy people would… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
I never have goals or dreams. My sister says it's pathetic and lazy, but I had a goal, to tell jokes to… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
And the bigger the fall, the bigger the joke. It would be better fun to throw a custard pie at a bishop… — George Orwell Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in college, I used to watch Julia Child's cooking show during dinner and joke with my roommates… — Martin Yan Copy Share Image
If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you… — Buddy Hackett Copy Share Image
The human animal ... is ... neither male nor female ... And if I am allowed to jest a little in passing,… — Marie de Gournay Copy Share Image
Most jokes are based on surprise. They take advantage of a confusion of language, or a twist in logic, or a contradiction… — Richard Herring Copy Share Image
Blake understood. Treated it like a joke, but he understood. He saw the cracks in society, saw the little men in masks… — Alan Moore Copy Share Image
The difference when I'm writing a story versus writing a joke is that writing a joke is so much more about the… — Paul F. Tompkins Copy Share Image
Despite the Internet 's origin in the late 1960s as a government sponsored means of communication between the Department of Defense, private… — L. Neil Smith Copy Share Image
It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the… — Tao Lin Copy Share Image
No value is higher than self-esteem, but you've invested it in counterfeit securities-and now your morality has caught you in a trap… — Ayn Rand Copy Share Image
Your fingernails are a joke, you've got no fangs, you can't see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are… — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
To have a reputation for being noble, she thought, is more confining than to be known as a wit. On the rare… — Libbie Block Copy Share Image
I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
A joke was not a single-use item but something you brought out again and again until it fell apart in your hand… — David Nicholls Copy Share Image
With comics it's very close, like, "I don't want to say anything onstage that I wouldn't say offstage." Or vice versa. I… — Neal Brennan Copy Share Image
I really thought that I'd be doing Shakespeare, honest to God. I did not foresee the whole action television thing. That was… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as… — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
Garry Shandling is someone I've publicly gone gay for, for jokes. Oh and anyone in the Twilight movies. I don't know any… — David Duchovny Copy Share Image
“Get it into your thick head that jokes are just like life. Things that begin badly, end badly. Everything's fine in the… — László Krasznahorkai Copy Share Image
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
“To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
[Donald] Trump, he - you know, buy American, buy American, anti-free trade, and got big cheers. They're waving Russian flags, probably partly… — Mark Shields Copy Share Image
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
A constant ongoing joke among the people that I travel with is my absolutely hopeless sense of direction. I'm able to get… — Tim Cahill Copy Share Image
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A lot of comedies fall apart because they just go from joke to joke, and the characters are all sort of being… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
Shame about how we’re gonna die here, though. I mean, seriously. An Arab and a half-Jew enter a store in Tennessee. It’s… — John Green Copy Share Image
I do Twitter, but I'm still not great on it - I'm not good at writing short little jokes, so my Twitter's… — Cecily Strong Copy Share Image
We humans are not born alone; joining and being active in a club whose members share your passion for ideas and get… — Richard Lederer Copy Share Image
I was making my living from a joke about my appearance that I didn't understand, and in a way still don't, because… — Wallace Shawn Copy Share Image
A lot of the jokes had some build-up to some nasty stuff. But most of it was all character situations leading to… — Shawn Wayans Copy Share Image
My reputation as a ladies' man was a joke that caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I spent… — Leonard Cohen Copy Share Image
When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke… — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
We realised that it was important to embrace this popcorn logic, that it works, that it's funnier when you fire 20 rounds… — Simon Pegg Copy Share Image
Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on… — Rob Corddry Copy Share Image
![“[Donald] Trump, he - you know, buy American, buy American, anti-free trade, and got big cheers. They're waving Russian flags, probably partly as a joke. But, still, the party has become an ethnic nationalist party.” quote by Mark Shields](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/3f1/mark-shields-1572_bigs_donald-trump-he-you-know-buy-american-bu_3085705.jpg)
