Jokes Quotes · Page 54

Rob and I both have a problem with taking jokes too far.

— Ayda Field

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've always been 'ethnic friend,' without any serious moments, all jokes.

— Al Madrigal

Sometimes I want to sit on my right hand so it feels like someone else is stopping me from masturbating.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm not saying my ex-girlfriend is a slut I am just saying if everyone's cock had wings she'd be a airport.

— Anonymous

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

— Joan Rivers

In life you can make jokes, but do not make jokes with life ¥

— Space_man

I ain't no joke, I used to let the mic smoke, Now I slam it when I'm done and make sure it's…

— Rakim

My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still let's me put my penis inside of her. So, who's stupid now?

— Nikhil Saluja

I found, especially with stand-up, that if a premise works, you can make the joke work. If a premise doesn't work, you…

— Nick Kroll

The State trained us to make other people's terrible jokes work, which is the other part of the game when you're here.

— Robert Ben Garant

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I…

— Mitch Hedberg

What is the best sexual position to create a gorgeous, charming absolutely attractive and cute baby?… Ask my parents!

— Anonymous

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey,…

— Mitch Hedberg

Most of my favorite tweets go completely ignored but most of my favorite tweets are probably really lame or inside jokes between…

— Roxane Gay

I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like…

— Brian Regan

I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask…

— Mitch Hedberg

Humor is so culturally based that when I try to tell a joke as me being a white American, if I tell…

— Michael Emerson

A cowboy, a lawyer, and a mechanic watched Queen of the Damned,” I murmured. Warren—who had once, a long time ago, been…

— Patricia Briggs

If I had to give my younger self some advice, I think it would be that you have to laugh at things-things…

— Taylor Swift

They make a fuss about Hogsmeade, but I assure you, Harry, it's not all it's cracked up to be. All right, the…

— Anonymous

I remember every player-every single one-who wore the Tennessee orange, a shade that our rivals hate, a bold, aggravating color that you…

— Pat Summitt

A husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex they will call it a phone call so that…

— Zak

“However, a good laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing; the more's the pity. So, if…

— Herman Melville

My friends joke that I’m dead until I get onstage. I’m dead right now as you’re speaking to me.

— Lady Gaga

What if life is just a cosmic joke, like spiders in your underwear.

— Jimmy Buffett

I hate when skinny girls say,omg Im so fat. If you are fat does that make me a whale?

— Anonymous

At the shock of a joke, everything disappears but the present moment.

— Russell Simmons

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

— G K Chesterton

Three Things to Control... Tounge, Temper and Temptation.

— Nikhil Saluja

The shortest distance between two jokes makes a perfect speech.

— Orlando Aloysius Battista

You could write a joke in the pub at lunchtime and watch it performed on television that evening.

— Eric Idle

What a joke! Poor little rich girl's fallen in love with the Republic's most famous criminal.

— Marie Lu

Why is ''W'' called a double-u if it's two Vs put together ?

— Anonymous

What smells of wee and goes in and out:a old person doing the hockey cockey

— Paul Housbey

I never wrote a joke in my life. I just get on stage and let it flow.

— Eddie Griffin

I'm always ready for TV. I don't have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

— Gabriel Iglesias

It's pretty bad that My teacher can't teach what he's teaching.

— Jade Surette

There was a time when "sound as a dollar" was a description, not a joke.

— Ronald Reagan

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

— Carrot Top