Jokes Quotes · Page 53

I'm positive I lost an electron, I better keep an ion that.

— Anonymous

Don't Take It Seriously * When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against the wall?

— Nikhil Saluja

I am so happy that I married a comedy writer. He's never not without a joke. No matter where we are.

— Christa Miller

Tell me that I misunderstood a joke, but don't tell me that my choice of cravat is wrong.

— David Niven

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will find you. You have my Word.

— Anonymous

Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.

— Patience Jr Kibabatoko

In Hollywood, it's hard to be funny, because all the big jokes are in Washington.

— Rich Little

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

— Nikhil Saluja

It is by vivacity and wit that man shines in company; but trite jokes and loud laughter reduce him to a buffoon.

— Lord Chesterfield

Sardar: What is the name of your car? Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'. Sardar: Oh, what a…

— ZhatsPrincess

It's a joke to think that anyone is one thing. We're all such complex creatures. But if I'm going to be a…

— Alanis Morissette

What I don't like today is, to put it coarsely, the phony Hasidism, the phony mysticism. Many students say, "Teach me mysticism."…

— Elie Wiesel

My reputation as a ladies' man was a joke that caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I spent…

— Leonard Cohen

When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke…

— Jasper Carrott

Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on…

— Rob Corddry

We realised that it was important to embrace this popcorn logic, that it works, that it's funnier when you fire 20 rounds…

— Simon Pegg

Being a military child, we moved a lot and we developed different vernaculars from moving from the south, to the Midwest, and…

— Joe Torry

I love dark humor. I love things that are so grounded in life, but just happen to be just a little bit…

— Rockmond Dunbar

A conversation between a boy and a pharmacist. The boy said, 'I need condoms.' The pharmacist replied, 'we sell them in packs…

— Pacifiersucker

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at…

— Daniel Tosh

I learned that money can be a lot of things,It can be something that is hoarded, fought over, protected, stolen and withheld.…

— Louis C. K

I one hundred percent recognize that comedy is a more narcissistic profession and that I cannot directly improve people's lives the way…

— Negin Farsad

We suppose that could be considered a hedged position for the awards committee, one that would never occur in the hard sciences…

— Seth Klarman

Cal," I whisper into her sleep, "if you go, you know what? You'll break my liver." I want to pretend that it's…

— Brad Barkley

My best jokes are so cheap. All I do is say things sarcastically.

— Adam Brody

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it!

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

— Elayne Boosler

Even the people who do great jokes, [it's] always coming out of a very real place.

— Brett Gelman

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

— Robert Frost

If a red head guy works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?

— Anonymous

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so fucking sexist to assume that women have vaginas.

— Nikhil Saluja

Anyone want to come Cuba diving with me I feel like going Hawai.

— Jeremy Limn

Running into debt isn't so bad. It's running into creditors that hurts

— Anonymous

I'm not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny.

— Philippe Falardeau

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

— Rita Rudner

Not all times jokes intended to make you laugh. Sometimes they intended to make you think.

— Anonymous

Don't Take It Seriously * When the BANKER says, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

— Nikhil Saluja

I think I am someone who is very interested in structure and different ways of delivering jokes.

— Raphael Bob-Waksberg

It was either her bf or her brother, Im going to go with dog!

— Rachel