Jokes Quotes · Page 55

You do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke.

— Cinda Williams Chima

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

— Nikhil Saluja

The ideal women does exist, but she is always married to another man.

— Anonymous

You can't just explain a joke. Either it isn't funny, or the person just totally missed the punchline.

— Cass McCombs

You only get one chance at life, not two! Don't joke around with your own life.

— Dohee

If ugliness was measured in bricks, you would be the great wall of China.

— Anonymous

I am getting sick and tired of people making jokes about Justin Bieber. Leave her alone.

— Anonymous

“...For every ten jokes - thou hast got an hundred enemies...”

— Laurence Sterne

John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a…

— Jay Leno

Writing a book has about it some of the anxiety of telling a joke and having to wait several years to know…

— Alain de Botton

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring…

— Horla

There are practical things which contribute to a joke's funniness. People will find a joke funnier if they are sitting closer together,…

— Ben Miller

I only became a celebrity because I had a kid. Before I was pregnant nobody cared. I joke to my agent that…

— Busy Philipps

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

— Alan King

There are always a lot of jokes and good vibes floating through the studio so tattooing all day doesn't feel like a…

— William Webb

I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a…

— Maria Shriver

Is there any other way to Erudite headquarters?" I say. "Not that I now of," says Cara. "Unless you want to jump…

— Veronica Roth

Put in every joke that's not a dud and then let's just start pulling the ones that work the least. You're just…

— Jason H. Moore

My last vivid boyhood fright from books came when I was 15; I was visiting my uncle and aunt in Greenwich, and,…

— John Updike

We are all susceptible to the pull of viral ideas. Like mass hysteria. Or a tune that gets into your head that…

— Neal Stephenson

I'll talk to Mortimer and see what he thinks, and then get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime, you should really…

— Lynsay Sands

I was photographing the photographer Brassaï. He had very prominent eyes, like a frog's. As I focused my lens, he brought his…

— John Loengard

What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my…

— Kristin Cashore

Magic is an exercise of a pattern of thought (sometimes represented by a gesture, ritual, or the calling of a true name)…

— Helen Oyeyemi

If I ask to suck your boobs when I wake up, does that count as sleeping like a baby?

— Nikhil Saluja

Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someones mouth while they are talking?

— Anonymous

As you can tell from watching the show, I'm not a strong joke writer per se.

— Janeane Garofalo

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

— Milton Berle

“Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Under the current high energy / high entropy regime, sustainable development is a joke.

— James Howard Kunstler

You're running to be prime minister - it's hard to be the person who makes jokes.

— Ed Miliband

“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I think things evolve into jokes. I don't generally write them down as jokes. I talk them out.

— Marc Maron

If you live right, death is a joke to you as far as fear is concerned.

— Will Rogers

Sure, I'm sensitive about my weight. I don't do fat jokes.

— John Candy

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

— Anonymous

I used to joke that if acting didn't work out, poetry was my commonsense fallback.

— Merritt Wever

Let face the facts A) Dogs are mans best friend B) Food is dog best friend so until you go food you…

— MrAwesome

I see myself as a huge dork that laughs at my own jokes and forgets to shower sometimes.

— Lauren Gardner

Doctor: A person who kills your disease with pills and you with bills.

— Nikhil Saluja