Jokes Quotes · Page 51

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

— Jimmy Carr

Zac Efron is like a brother who's just goofy and crazy. He plays a lot of practical jokes.

— Ashley Tisdale

My girlfriend's best friend's ex boyfriend's mother's insurance agent is the winner of my own lottery drawing.

— Kevin McCarty

My friend said to me, I like girl who smell good. I said to him, okay! you are not gay.

— Mahi

I make jokes all the time. I have a different type of sense of humor.

— Uriah Hall

Comedy has bits, has jokes, has stories, and it has characters.

— Charlie Murphy

I think I'd be a good mother. Maybe a little overprotective. Like I would never let the kid out, of my body.

— Wendy Liebman

So your name is Will, But you don't call your crotch The Willderness, then what the fuck?

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as…

— Gabriel Iglesias

I really thought that I'd be doing Shakespeare, honest to God. I did not foresee the whole action television thing. That was…

— Nick Offerman

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of…

— Demetri Martin

Garry Shandling is someone I've publicly gone gay for, for jokes. Oh and anyone in the Twilight movies. I don't know any…

— David Duchovny

“Get it into your thick head that jokes are just like life. Things that begin badly, end badly. Everything's fine in the…

— László Krasznahorkai

For now, we assume that self-evolving robots will learn to mimic human traits, including, eventually, humor. And so, I can't wait to…

— Lance Morrow

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you…

— Iliza Shlesinger

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed…

— Billy Connolly

It [the memoir "In The Body of the World"] wrote me. I joke about it, but this book was so unusual. It…

— Eve Ensler

I just tell jokes, and I think a lot of people take it too seriously. It's not that I don't have things…

— Aaron McGruder

With Dustin Hoffman, I just enjoyed the fact he was this flamboyent and very ironic person that still followed my desire to…

— Tom Tykwer

The U.S. - the idea that the U.S. has introduced and imposed principles of international law, that's hardly even a joke. The…

— Noam Chomsky

Think for yourself, and believe in yourself. Keep your skeptical antennae tuned in and in good working order at all times. We…

— Dennis McKenna

The term comics long ago became obsolete and inaccurate. It merely defined the content of the early joke-based comical strips. Sequential Art…

— Will Eisner

A cruel joke has been played on us. We are fated always to remember what we learned but never to recall the…

— Jo Coudert

I went to sexaholics anonymous for six months. For research. I wanted to see the structure of the groups, how they were…

— Chuck Palahniuk

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

— Jon Stewart

Women are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

— Anonymous

Sometimes during all those laughs, long talks, silly little fights and inside jokes, I fell in love…

— Ritu

We all hate it when we're joking around with our parents and then it turns into a life lesson.

— Anonymous

“No, we’re the two old Muppets on the balcony, cracking lame jokes.”

— Kim Stanley Robinson

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli a lot more fun to hunt!

— Anonymous

You can make dark, sinister, weird jokes without being deeply offensive.

— Rebecca Front

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

— Anonymous

As though all the world were a bad joke and she was the only one around who knew the punchline.

— Jack Ketchum

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up, because I am still looking for ideas.

— Anonymous

I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.

— Bill Burr

Whenever I masturbate I always pretend my right hand has a British accent.

— Nikhil Saluja

30 Rock' is probably one of my favorite shows. It's just joke after joke after joke.

— Alison Brie

We actually talked about Adam Sandler during the creation of 'Trolls,' because he does know how to time jokes.

— Walt Dohrn

I stepped on a cornflake this morning...I'm a cereal killer now!

— Anonymous

I had the best day ever, I ran into my ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend…With my car.

— Anonymous