Jokes Quotes · Page 49

It's alright to fool around just be careful when it gets real.

— Anthony Barger

You never know when you'll have a bad idea for a worse joke.

— Benjamin Walker

The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore. they had become stories

— Stephen Chbosky

But when I'm nervous, I deflect a lot and it's very easy to fill the space with jokes.

— Patti Harrison

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

— Scott Roeben

We have a marriage of people of various cultures coming together. It's not a joke. It's real.

— Stevie Wonder

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the…

— Unkown

Boy: Why can't tampons talk? Girl: Because they're stuck up bitches.

— Dylan Nace

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the…

— Chris Rock

Humor is his defense mechanism, so that would allow me to talk about some serious subjects, but get a lot of hilarious…

— Judd Apatow

Even in my revenge fantasy where all I do is exercise, I can still do only twenty-five pull-ups. Pull-ups are tough, no…

— Mindy Kaling

Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt…

— Margaret Mahy

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, Mypenis, and the wife…

— Kevin

Fundamentalists can't take a joke. Ever. They want us to blindly obey, parrot everything they do, and believe in their dogmas.

— Shahin Najafi

Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke.

— Craig Kilborn

I think the more the actor lets you know what he thinks of the character, the less the audience cares - like…

— Neil LaBute

For what my generation did and went through and so forth, and what these glamour boys earn for what little they play,…

— Chuck Bednarik

Basically I made her [ Sara Pocock] listen to funk music for a good month, a nonstop stream of George Clinton. I…

— Baron Vaughn

We're all just a bundle of habits shaped by our memories. And to the extent that we control our lives, we do…

— Joshua Foer

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from?…

— Kevin

“In a theater, it happened that a fire started offstage. The clown came out to tell the audience. They thought it was…

— Anonymous

Strider's bedroom "The only thing hanging on the wall that wasn't a weapon was the portrait just over the bed. No. Not…

— Gena Showalter

It's important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don't think comedy…

— John Mulaney

I always thought it was important to overdeliver, and when I got one of my first jobs, writing jokes for Garry Shandling…

— Judd Apatow

So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.

— Jon Stewart

This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.

— Dorothy Fuldheim

“The day I understand what's going on in her psychotic little brain they'll have to lock me in a psych ward.”

— J. Gabriel Gates

Husbands are often more affected by the lack of words their wives speak, than by all nagging in the world..

— Nushra

Ways to die: steal my food, touch me, look through my phone.

— Anonymous

I'm the youngest of four, and I'm always the clown - making the jokes, wanting attention.

— Rose Byrne

You have to make a joke every 10–15 minutes. It’s a way of keeping up morale.

— Silvio Berlusconi

Existentialists are monumentally and monotonously serious; they don't like to joke.

— Wislawa Szymborska

Hitman: The one who kills people for money. Hitwoman: The one who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up.

— Nikhil Saluja

I joke that my niche in Hollywood has been naked foreigners.

— Hank Azaria

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

— Lewis Black

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding…

— Nikhil Saluja

It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour.

— Keenen Ivory Wayans

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

— David Spade

I don't really tell a joke per se, I build up an attitude and it becomes a joke.

— Don Rickles

The jokes about how I look have actually made me stronger.

— Peter Crouch