Jokes Quotes · Page 36

Ladies don't ask for much. They just want shoes, diamonds, less work, free money & a perfect man.

— Nikhil Saluja

Most men don't realize their wife's worth till a judge decides the alimony amount

— Anonymous

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

— David Cross

I think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare.

— Travis Nichols

Even if its a white crowd, I tell my jokes for the four black people in the room, not the 100 whites.

— Gary Owen

I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes about things like life and death.

— David Shrigley

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got cut off? He's all right now.

— Anonymous

Anything where we're the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it.

— Chris Martin

Surrealism can only deliver a reactionary judgment; can make out of history only an accumulation of oddities, a joke, a death trip.

— Susan Sontag

There are a lot of funny people in my family. Absolutely. There were a lot of jokes growing up around the dinner…

— Nate Corddry

My teammates know I'm down to earth. I'll joke with them. But when it comes to basketball, I try to be serious…

— Chamique Holdsclaw

The brain process that results in a joke materializing where no joke was before remains a mystery. I'm not aware of any…

— Dick Cavett

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house & everyone in it, & I learned we…

— Nikhil Saluja

A blonde just texted me and asked What does idk stand for? I said I dont know she said omg! nobody does!!...sorry…

— Dionta Long

I was just doing it for fun. I was in college recording music as a joke, so I really didn't think that…

— Cakes da killa

Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are…

— Robert Orben

“Comrades, we are going to try to cheer you up, and our sense of humor will help us in this endeavor, although…

— Rudolph Herzog

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After…

— Anonymous

We're weird guys. I don't know if a lot of people get our humor. A lot of people probably think we're jerks.…

— Brendon Urie

I think one of my favorite pieces I've ever done on the show which was about Hezbollah Israel conflict in 2006 and…

— Aasif Mandvi

The good thing about being in advertising was a lot of the skills cross over: you have to be accountable for your…

— Victor Levin

I would have done well as a gypsy child, I think. A circus baby. I coulda played a great street urchin or…

— Natasha Lyonne

Brad Pitt is great fun. He jokes around all the time and has a real quality about him. On set the director…

— Jason Flemyng

teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or…

— David Levithan

Fame is a big joke. Stars need to stop taking themselves so seriously.

— Avril Lavigne

Dear math, grow up and solve your own stupid problems I'm sick and tired of doing it for you!

— Anonymous

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

Condoms are like women...most of the time they're pretty annoying, but you need them to get laid.

— Anonymous

When I'm telling jokes, I'm constantly in motion. I can't stand in one place.

— Eddie Griffin

I've made a lot of grown men cry with laughter, because I really am quite the joke.

— Peta Wilson

All day my mind drifts off into fantasies and little stupid jokes.

— Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Me jealous Hahahahahahahahaahahaahaahahahahahhahahahahaahahaahahaahah lmao

— Kevin McCarty

You know you're on your period when everyone around you has an attitude problem.

— Nikhil Saluja

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

— John Waters

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

— Nikhil Saluja

For those who woke up in a Fussy mood this morning do me a favor, punch your spouse in their fucking face.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.

— Jimmy Nail

If you put your finger in your ear, and scratch it, it sounds just like pac man :)

— Ricardo Alexandre

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

— Jokes About Chuck Norris

I mean, this is a joke, to try to implicate me as like a friend of the Russians.

— Jill Stein