Jokes Quotes · Page 36

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

— Tommy Cooper

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

— Daniel Tosh

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.

— Mark Twain

Fat Chicks always talking bout sitting on somebody's Face… Bitch that's Attempted Murder!

— Kevin McCarty

I never used to tell jokes on stage. Now I'm cutting up jokes all night long.

— Robin Thicke

I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes about things like life and death.

— David Shrigley

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got cut off? He's all right now.

— Anonymous

Even if its a white crowd, I tell my jokes for the four black people in the room, not the 100 whites.

— Gary Owen

If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, it's just not going to ring true…

— Patrick Rothfuss

If Harriet Miers were not a crony of the president of the United States, her nomination to the Supreme Court would be…

— Charles Krauthammer

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I…

— Eoin Colfer

My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over…

— Woody Allen

To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to…

— Neil Peart

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a…

— Daniel Tosh

Husband: Tell me an Interesting fact that will make me happy and sad at the same time. Wife: Yours is bigger than…

— Anonymous

Wonder Showzen was one of the first shows that realized each sketch, each segment is essentially one joke, and, once you know…

— Eric Andre

Cable news is 24 hours long so you have to fill it up with something. No, the Muppets are not communist. And…

— James Bobin

“And so the twins had remained virgins. Julia and Valentina watched all of their high school and college friends disappear one by…

— Audrey Niffenegger

Then when we did the untitled record, we just didn't feel like putting joke stuff on it, so we didn't. It wasn't…

— Mark Hoppus

Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is…

— Anthony Jeselnik

A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves down, because it is…

— Carly Craig

What are the precise characteristics of an epigram it is not easy to define. It differs from a joke, in the fact…

— William Matthews

If American politics does not look to you like a joke, a tragic dance; if you have enough blindness left in you,…

— John Jay Chapman

I think those that are holier-than-thou don't make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn't take himself too seriously. This…

— Josh Hutcherson

I've made a lot of grown men cry with laughter, because I really am quite the joke.

— Peta Wilson

Condoms are like women...most of the time they're pretty annoying, but you need them to get laid.

— Anonymous

When I'm telling jokes, I'm constantly in motion. I can't stand in one place.

— Eddie Griffin

Dear math, grow up and solve your own stupid problems I'm sick and tired of doing it for you!

— Anonymous

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

Anything where we're the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it.

— Chris Martin

Fame is a big joke. Stars need to stop taking themselves so seriously.

— Avril Lavigne

Me jealous Hahahahahahahahaahahaahaahahahahahhahahahahaahahaahahaahah lmao

— Kevin McCarty

You know you're on your period when everyone around you has an attitude problem.

— Nikhil Saluja

All day my mind drifts off into fantasies and little stupid jokes.

— Jean-Pierre Jeunet

For those who woke up in a Fussy mood this morning do me a favor, punch your spouse in their fucking face.

— Nikhil Saluja

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

— Nikhil Saluja

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

— John Waters

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

— Erik Naggum

I learned to think about religion, race and sex through the complex and often unattractive medium of jokes.

— Andrew Hudgins

When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.

— Megan Fox